There isn’t always a big a-ha moment when healing an attachment wound. In fact, often there isn’t. Sometimes, it’s a quiet realisation of what we haven’t done, or thought, or said for a while. It’s subtle. And despite what you may think if you’re desparate to get there, it happens. But there are signs that your attachment wound is healing.
When we carry attachment wounds, the kind that often begin in childhood or early relationships, we can spend years thinking they define us. But over time, with gentle attention and the right support, things begin to shift.
Here are three signs that your attachment wound is starting to heal:
1. You stop blaming your partner or family for every trigger and start getting curious about what’s going on inside you. Instead of assuming that they are out to hurt you, you start noticing which parts of you are reacting. That pause, that bit of reflection, is gold. It means your self-awareness is growing, and that hurt, frightened little child inside you is no longer running the show quite as loudly.
2. You take space without fearing abandonment. You realise that needing time to think, rest or recalibrate isn’t a sign that your relationship is failing, or that your partner doesn’t want you. It’s just human. You’re not checking your phone every few minutes, or zoning out with work, food or alcohol. The panic starts to quieten, and in its place is something new: trust that maybe things might be alright after all. It’s not perfect, but it’s growing.
3. You trust that love doesn’t have to hurt. You’re no longer waiting for something bad to happen. You’re not seeing kindness as manipulation or silence as rejection. Love starts to feel like safety, not tension. It’s going to be OK, maybe for the first time in your life. You don’t have to walk on eggshells or twist yourself into someone else’s shape to be accepted.
These shifts aren’t linear. Healing doesn’t move in a straight line. You’ll wobble. You’ll question. Some days you’ll fall into old patterns and it might feel like you haven’t changed at all. But then, one day, you’ll notice that the silence doesn’t feel like punishment. The distance doesn’t feel like rejection. The love doesn’t feel like danger.
That’s growth.
If you’re interested in the science behind this, attachment theory gives us a strong framework for understanding why we behave the way we do in relationships. Research by psychologists such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth helped identify how our early relationships shape our internal working models of love, trust, and safety. It starts much earlier in life than we think. This article, written in 2009, gives a good overview of attachment theory, and the man behind it, John Bowlby. https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/looking-back-making-and-breaking-attachment-theory?fbclid=IwY2xjawMHDvJleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETBMSHY3QmZFVlcwZkpyQk1yAR4VhxiT3pa7Cq3X0FURkz5VMUBBY4696gnaIWyfXxae4PQkiQdJUmJnTXk0pg_aem_XggFSzCa2XMyuKgPNelTuQ
More recent neuroscience, written in 2023, confirms how emotionally responsive relationships help build a secure base in the brain, even in adulthood https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352250X23000738?fbclid=IwY2xjawMHDCZleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETBMSHY3QmZFVlcwZkpyQk1yAR6fnrWUn5a4rjO9O-87yjPU1IDRqKfQi4tdVIsD0c6PssqksZz904ZyRrn9JA_aem_w0gmD2NAk2EyGCdDXYzBiQ
This research shows that healing isn’t just emotional – it’s biological too. Emotionally responsive partners help lower our mortality rate. Being with a partner who responds to us emotionally helps us to live longer. Isn’t that mind-blowing? When we feel safe, our nervous system learns to settle. Our cortisol levels drop. Our immune system improves.
We stop surviving and start connecting.
If this resonates with you, if you’ve been quietly wondering whether change is really possible, this is your reminder that it absolutely is. I see it every week in my therapy room.
And I’d love to help you see it in yourself, without judgement. I’ve been there.
Email me at info@samanthahillyertherapies.co.uk or message me at 07910727280.
